Another month, another rollercoaster of emotions. This month definitely was a struggle...
I can’t say if this month was mostly good, or mostly bad. I can really only say that I held on tight and weathered the storm. Hopefully this month has much clearer sailing.
Hah, my body must hate me. I got my hormones checked out and it turned out that I had a high testosterone level and a low estrogen level. I’m not surprised, really. While oral estrogen has been providing me with consistent feelings, it wasn’t as strong of an effect as the injections were. I got doubled down on the Estradiol, so now I feel both consistency and strength. What does that mean? So far it means that my emotions are even stronger. :)
This month I tried out my first hairstyle to feature lighter coloured hair! While the length is a bit of bother (tangles for days!) I do love how the lighter colours make me look. I’m going to continue with lighter colours, though maybe not with hair this long.
This one is always a shot in the dark. Throughout this month my mom spewed hateful opinions. Weirdly enough, while I don’t care about these opinions, I really cannot say that they don’t hurt. She’s said many bad things this month, ranging from “gays shouldn’t be allowed to show affection in public, because kids will become gay and with the whole world gay, who will reproduce?” to “The only reason gays and trans people exist is because Satan got into their heads and told them to be. Satan made these people sick. Satan made them mentally ill.”
Gee mom, thank you for indirectly calling me mentally ill.
After I was able to pull myself out of a depressive state, I grabbed my dad’s bible and showed her where the Bible doesn’t say anything about trans people (ahem, crossdressing =/= transgender) being a sin. She refused to accept that answer. Instead, she decided to invite over a bible scholar...apparently to prove me either wrong or right?
Here’s a little excerpt from a recent post about that visit:
“She started off really nice, she asked questions about trans definitions, what things mean, etc. She then had me read her the verse in which I have proven has no relation to trans people. Yo hoo did it go downhill from there.
First and foremost, she immediately brought up “homosexuals” because to her, gender and sexuality are the same thing. So by me becoming a woman, I’m somehow automatically gay. She refuses to believe that gender is not connected to sexuality. Or that my transition isn’t some sexual deviant thing.
She then brought up trans people dating trans people and physically shuddered. That’s when I said “well I have bad news for you, I am dating a woman like me” while laughing.
Her response was horrifying, “if homosexuals and transgenders are fine, what about men who rape boys? What about that man who kidnapped those women? Or that guy who shot up the church? Where do you draw the line?” Holy shit! Did she just compare me to...rapists, kidnappers, and murderers?
She decided to say that “if these people found God, they would not be homosexual”. I said “I’m sorry, but sexuality just doesn’t work like that. Nobody decides to be trans. Nobody decides to be gay. You can’t just flip a switch and be straight!!”
Then she started tackling the verse. Despite the fact that crossdressing and transgender are two very different things, she dismissed the fact and said “the Bible may not directly mention the trangendered (sic), but I know it isn’t right. Those words did not exist back then, so you have to interpret.” Right! And I see nothing relating to “man becoming woman, woman becoming man”, just “man dressing in female attire, and female dressing in male attire”. No matter how much you want to “interpret” that, it’s not talking about trans people.
So I showed her the Bible’s definition of “should not wear clothes of the other gender” which narrows it down to crossdressing, because of some event in which someone did it for malicious reasons.
She dismissed the Bible because “that definition was written by someone who studied the Bible, so it’s probably wrong.” Wait, the Bible I read it from is known as the most accurate version!!!
She had one final blow: “ You should put this gender thing on hold and start reading the scriptures. I think you’ll find that you don’t need to live a life of sin and find happiness with the Lord”.
I asked what she meant by the “you should put this gender thing on hold” part. And she said“stop dressing like a woman and visit our...” And before she finished her sentence, my mom stood up and said “Get the fuck out of my house”.
Before the lady got up, I said “There is not a verse in your cute little book, not a word a single human can say, not even an invisible deity, that will change who I am. I’m freaking happy, and I don’t give a darn what your book says about it. You can’t change me!”
At that moment, I just left the house to run a quick errand. When I came back an hour later, the woman was still there! WTF mom? Whatever happened to “Get the fuck out of my house!?!?!?!?”
That woman also said that she didn’t see a difference between crossdressing and a trans person. They’re all the same because you can’t change “biology”.”
My dad also has cancer. Thankfully we caught it so early on that it’s looking really good. But now, do I just kinda stop trying? This put me into a whirlwind. Where do I put my foot down? Do I stop expecting them to try and use the right pronouns?
It’s also hard to deny that my niece is still behaving poorly in regards to the new me, and nobody seems to really care either. :(
My mom had other bits of being supportive. Like instead of saying my birth name, she has created a nickname for me (Missy), and while I’m not the biggest fan of the name, it helps her get the pronouns right, so I’m not complaining. I can count on one hand how many times she’s said my birth name in the past week or so. :) 4 times total!!! And not a single “he” was heard. Thank you mom. ♥
So...It’s like she’s willing to respect me for who I am, but she isn’t willing to change her hurtful opinions. On one hand, she makes me happy. On the other, she makes me depressed. At least she loves Miss Tesla. :)
The other heartwarming thing is that my dad may soon get a lump sum due to injuries obtained during his service with the government. My mom said that she would spend it on that new smart I want, but also a small house for me. Because she wants to leave something behind when she’s gone, and she hasn’t been able to do that for me...
My family has caused me so much pain this month, and I thank you all for helping me back up when I fall down. And I’m happy that maybe, maybe this is their way of getting used to the new me. I hope my mom keeps it up with making me happy. :)
This month also saw me meeting more friends who had yet to meet the new me. I’m happy to have such supportive people in my life now. Some ask if I look in the rearview mirror and get sad about friendships that didn’t last. No, I’m not. Those friendships caused me pain and hindered me from being happy.
Miss Tesla and I also went to Summerfest. This was a date we planned back when we first met, and to this day has been one of my most favourite times with her. Foghat and Weird Al? There can’t be a better combination!
My mom wanted to jump on the current bandwagon of trans people in media. I didn’t. She insisted she wanted to sell my transition story to some network, put me on TV, and get 20%. Thankfully, she has given up as telling people you’re important is harder than you think! :)
The trans media explosion is getting even greater now with I Am Cait, I Am Jazz, Becoming US, and a few other notables along with preexisting media. I did get around to watching I Am Jazz...Honestly? Left me depressed. Jazz reminds me of myself, and her show is effectively what these updates would be if I were on TV (thankfully no). But on top of that, she reminds me of how life could’ve been had I found myself even sooner. Not having to live my childhood and teenage years hating every breathing moment, hating myself, hating my body, etc...Which is sad, because I think Jazz is pretty kickass, just not relatable.
You know that one Transtrender “friend” I have on Facebook? A few weeks ago, they indirectly called me out for stealing their thunder and copying them. WHAT? I’m sorry. I mean sure, they called themselves “trans” a few years before I did, but them and I are entirely different people. They only present female to certain people (women) because they love the attention they give them. They even said they hate being a woman just as much as they hate being a guy! And while it isn’t my business, but they are so neck deep in drug abuse it’s hard for me to believe them anyway. Just because I came out after they did doesn’t mean I’m copying them, especially if we have two entirely different reasons for our identities. By this logic, I can call Caitlyn Jenner a copycat because she came out after I did.
In fact, this person was copying me up until the moment I started taking hormones, then they backed off and stopped moving forward.
But whatever, yet another friend who truly isn’t a friend.
And the best is always for last!!
This month was definitely an emotional month for us two, and I hope it has only brought us closer.
We’ve been enjoying our Summer trying new things, watching movies (Ant-Man! Twice! :D), and creating more and more unforgettable memories.
It’s hard to describe how much she has changed my life. I mean after all, I met her a week or so after I started being full time. And every day since then reminds me as to why I’m so glad to have her in my life. She can make me smile, even when I feel as if there is no hope. Miss Tesla even knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and sees things about me that I sometimes do not see about myself. Every day I get to see her makes me as giggly and bubbly as a school girl.
Last weekend was especially hard on the both of us, and we stayed by each other’s side the whole way through
And with that, I love the days in which I get to see her smile. I love every, single, second. And I hope our journey never ends. ♥