Halloween is always an interesting time for me. Today marks the four year anniversary where I embarked on a journey of a lifetime. It’s been a wild ride. I admit not all of it has been spectacular and I have some regrets. However, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I’m not perfect, I do apologize to those I may have trampled along the way. Transition has been uncharted waters with new surprises at every turn. Much is different - love, sadness, interests, desires, passions - and it’s been exciting learning about my new self. I continue to surprise myself all this time later. The future is bright and I can’t wait for it.
When I started this (on Kinja with this post), I honestly somehow didn’t even know if I was trans. Somehow being trans was “unobtainium” or just not me. I thought I was merely a crossdresser. However it took only about a couple weeks to fully connect those dots.
Let’s kick off an update, for old time’s sake!
I wish more people in this world would see the actual people who are transgender. I’ve made a lot of friends that I’ll have for life. We’re normal boring people like the rest of you. There is no threat, there is no danger. In fact, I’d argue that we’re often the ones in danger. In my travels I’ve been in enough scary situations that I’ve taught myself how to defend myself. Then to see the government of our country seemingly work so hard to hurt us feels like a knife through my heart. We need love, not hate.
As I continue my transition I hope minds change, I hope more people come to accept us. Give us a chance, I think you’ll come to like us. These past four years have been a journey that makes me so happy that it makes me cry. I wish I had done this sooner. I have more goals, I want to get bottom surgery, I want to finish my legal changes. I’m so excited for this! Thank you to everyone who’s been here for me, I couldn’t have done this without you. I don’t know where I’d be without the awesome people who helped make me feel like me; the people who set me free. You all mean a lot to me. ❤️ It’s hard to believe it’s been four years, I love me, I love this!
Alright, I admit that I’ve slipped in this area. Since my last update I got my own place and it’s been hard fighting the temptation to binge eat. There are so many good options in this area! I’ve come 15 pounds short of gaining back all of the 50 pounds I lost last year and that scared me. I have committed to healthier eating habits. Interestingly enough, lately I’ve been eating more Vegan than ever before in life. Combined with not binge eating, I think I can get healthier again.
As for transition - and this is one of my regrets - I should have gotten on the waiting list for bottom surgery a very long time ago. I’m not sure why I haven’t. Is it fear? What am I fearing? For whatever reason I am petrified to make the jump even though I have nothing to fear. And now that I finally am ready to make the jump, I’ll have to wade through changes to my health insurance (I turn 26 in a month) and a country that seemingly doesn’t want me to exist.
Further, my looks keep evolving. As most of you know I come from a black family, however with a white dad. Prior to transition pretty much everyone viewed me as black, along with the garbage that came with it. Nowadays how I’m viewed largely depends on where I am. If I’m in the black communities I normally frequent, nothing has changed. However, just about everywhere else I’m generally assumed to be Latinx. In these troubling recent years this has somehow meant that I’ve more been the recipient of racism for races that I’m not rather than races that I am. In one harrowing instance, a lady in a pickup truck tried to run me off the road while screaming about how Trump is going to deport me to Mexico. *Facepalm*
I’ve reached a new benchmark in this category. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I can count on a single hand how many bad days I have in a month and I’ve gotten back to seemingly radiating bubbly happiness for those around me. I do have to admit that a certain woman is in part responsible for why I am seemingly impossibly happy.
Well...I’m no longer flipping phones! ...Or flipping computers. Oh god.
I sold all but one of my custom computer projects (the tiny box) -
- and have gone “whole hog” into motorcycles. I got my license in June and since have experienced a fun assortment of two wheelers.
I started on a little Buell Blast and got a Honda Rebel to accompany it
Then a month later I sold both for a Honda Goldwing GL1100 and a Suzuki GS850G.
And about a week ago I added this Yamaha DT175.
Also involved were two Chinese scooters, the first being a Bashan MC-16-150T that I quickly sold for a Jinlun Ruckus.
What’s up next? I intend to sell the Ruckus clone for whatever will be my winter bike. Right now I’m considering a Honda Helix, a CF Moto Fashion 250 (Helix clone), or another Buell Blast. The idea here is that the winter bike is something I don’t mind getting salty.
I’ve thus found that living by myself is beneficial for me. When living with my parents I become suicidal as I not only shoulder my own problems, but theirs as well. On top of that, by shouldering their issues I end up becoming trapped in a cycle where I end up hurting myself. I know I don’t have to shoulder their issues, however doing so always presents me with an impossible ultimatum.
The only way we can have a healthy relationship is with distance. I cannot be collateral damage in the drama, I have to have a safe place to run to. Right now I’m not on speaking terms with my father. He abandoned us for maybe the fifteenth time and this time it struck a nerve with me. I will forgive him and talk to him again one day, but right now those wounds are too fresh.
Since the last update Starman broke up with me. Honestly I’m happy it happened. Once the “honeymoon phase” wore off I realized that while he was so sweet there was never going to be a chance that he’d be able to give me the relationship I really wanted. He tried to do it and I give him credit for it, but there was no way he could keep it up.
Meanwhile in my time with him I learned that I really am not Bisexual as I say I am. I’m not really into guys no matter how cute they are. Despite my emotional, romantic, and even physical attraction to him, I had no sexual attraction. And thus that relationship was another lesson learned.
I’m not meant for the IT world.
As much as I love computers, I now feel it was the wrong move to invest into an IT future. While I’m not entirely sold on starting over again, I am drawn in by two career paths:
1. Becoming a commercial pilot.
2. Getting into local/state...federal(?) politics.
That first one is still doable at my young age, however it’s an expensive process. I may be able to shortcut the process by teaming up with organizations that are trying to get more minority groups into aviation or by partnering with an airline that’ll train you for free provided you fly for them when you’re done. I love aviation more than computers and flying a plane has been a lifelong dream of mine. The only other downside I can imagine is my history of depression (which thankfully isn’t on my medical record) that could prevent me from getting certified and the weird working hours.
The second one is a newer idea brought on by inspirational people and my desire to make the world (or at least the local area) a better place. I commonly get told that my confidence gives me a sort of leadership trait and I’ve noticed that to be true for much of my life. Now of course I could just volunteer for a non-profit or donate, but I want to do more. I’ve asked those closest to me in real life and they actually think it’s a relatively realistic path for me. I may be naive for thinking I could make a difference but I guess I wouldn’t know unless I tried?
The biggest thing is simply making the decision. Do I want to keep on grinding in an IT career where I make good money, essentially get paid to write posts like this, but not be truly happy? Or do I want to try to achieve my dream or try to change the world?
I’m back hitting my stride with my research. Departing from my normal research on Transgender topics, I’ve moved to a fun topic of vehicles. My most recent entry is about Chinese motorcycles.
If you haven’t read it yet, I also recommend my in-depth look at U-Haul rentals, including wacky rentals like campers and VHS players. (Minor update: Rumor has it that U-Haul intends on renting campers again in a response to the tiny camper craze and the rebirth of fibreglass campers.)
Tucker went offroad on the Gambler 500. It did way better than everyone expected and the car sort of became a bit of a Gambler 500 celebrity.
My plan for next year’s Gambler 500 is to buy a fifth smart (preferably in bad condition), rip off its doors, install my custom lift kit, grab some offroad tyres mounted to wheels off Craigslist or eBay, bolt on some cab lights and truck mirrors, then send it!
As for my other cars, smart #4 got towed home on a flatbed back in April and it sort of remains kinda dead today. I have to remove, clean, and adjust one single part to get it roadworthy again and honestly I’ve just been too lazy to go and buy the $40 tool to get it done. That said, I plan to have that project finished before winter truly gets here. Worst case, the part in question is borked and I have to replace it ($100-$250).
I’ve always wanted to reboot my YouTube channel. I think my motorcycle exploits will be perfect for it. This is especially since I change motorcycles very often and am learning how to work on them just as I did with smart cars years ago.
Never have I ever thought a single person could check every conceivable box, make more boxes, then check those too...but she’s the woman who did it. She’s given me the best day of my entire life and I’m in love like I’ve never been before. I love her so much, more than I have anyone before and I hope it lasts forever. I feel so at home with her, so happy; I feel I can achieve anything. Maybe I can achieve everything. DeLorean, you are my favourite person in the world by an intangible margin. ♥
I wish more people in this world would see the actual people who are transgender. I’ve made a lot of friends that I’ll have for life. We’re normal boring people like the rest of you. There is no threat, there is no danger. In fact, I’d argue that we’re often the ones in danger. In my travels I’ve been in enough scary situations that I’ve taught myself how to defend myself. Then to see the government of our country seemingly work so hard to hurt us feels like a knife through my heart. We need love, not hate. I know I love to wear rosy shades and I hope they don’t deceive me.
As I continue my transition I hope minds change, I hope more people come to accept us. Give us a chance, I think you’ll come to like us. These past four years have been a journey that makes me so happy that it makes me cry. I wish I had done this sooner. I have more goals, I want to get bottom surgery, I want to finish my legal changes. I’m so excited for this! Thank you to everyone who’s been here for me, I couldn’t have done this without you. I don’t know where I’d be without the awesome people who helped make me feel like me; the people who set me free. You all mean a lot to me. It’s hard to believe it’s been four years, I love me, I love this!
About the Author
Mercedes’ primary goal in life is to absorb all smart cars and vintage Japanese motorcycles in existence and display them in an old art deco style car dealership converted into a home. She fully recognizes her craziness...not like that’s going to stop her. ♥