Journeys aren’t always easy. Sometimes, there isn’t an easy path. One or more options may lead to pain. Perhaps even, all paths lead to pain...
This month we opened some doors while shutting others. I’m not writing this post with a smile on my face. I’ve been fighting depression again. I’ve been fighting the urge to hurt myself. As such, my characteristic spark and my charisma may not show here. Without further delay, let’s dig in.
I’ve halted additional research projects at this time. I’ve been spending more time with other hobbies. If you have some transgender-related subject you want me to research, send a comment down below!
Phil lost his front license plate holder! It cost all of a dollar and looks virtually like a factory job.
Tucker got egged, twice. He also had a nail shot into a tyre and keyed. Violence is on the rise at my old apartment. There were 4 break ins during 1 week from either residents who decided to kick in the entrance after they lost their keys, or from actual vandals. *Sigh*
He actually tends to get vandalized about twice a year so it’s kinda routine to have to clean up messes or make repairs. I wish I didn’t have to do that and definitely not at the rate it’s been happening over the past month.
Speaking of Tucker, here’s the progress I made on the offroad conversion. I’ve really only gotten the lighting done so far.
The project has been seeing heavy delays due to external factors. That said, I will now have both the time and the funds to finish, albeit not for a reason I would consider good.
I also went to Dubuque, Iowa for a smart rally as well as towed an awesome U-Haul that was close to the curb weight of the smartie. I have a strong desire to get Tucker a little mini camper. Oh my I can’t even write into words how much fun towing stuff with a smart is.
I’m happy to say that I’ve lost over 40 pounds now! I am down to the size where I started transition and it’s only down from here! I have to thank DDP Yoga for helping me tone my body and finally helping me get portion control down correctly. I’m finally back in a body that I am not disgusted by.
Interestingly enough, weight loss isn’t causing my breasts to shrink. I’d actually wager just the opposite is happening. I reckon hormones work a whole lot better with less weight to throw around. Otherwise, everything is sailing clear here!
Here’s a before & after, just because.
Believe it or not, my family has been awesome during this update period. Yes, there was the whole horrifying trip we took to Indiana, though since then I’ve come to like hanging out with family. They seem to be understanding me more and more willing to learn about trans stuff.
They’ve actually been unexpectedly loving to me with one of the below subjects. When I expected to be shunned, laughed at, or belittled, I was given hugs and positive pep talks. Who are these people and what did they do with my family? I’m kidding of course, but still!
There was a major conflict between my family and Miss Tesla when I was moving out. Fighting from literally all sides. Said fighting was so intense I ran away while crying and hyperventilating. I still don’t know how to feel about what happened. It was so quick and it lasted for a few hours. It was a real life nightmare.
Well...This one sort of will feed into the next subject. One night, a friend of mine asked me to go barhopping with her. This is something I’ve never done before, so I agreed with a smile on my face. What I didn’t expect was to have my world split open.
I was opened up to an atmosphere I never thought I’d enjoy. I never thought I’d enjoy spending all night in a local LGBTQ+ night club and actually love it. But I did. Sadly, this club also ignited my long dormant desire to be socially active, with going places, exploring new things, having a night life, and so on.
These are things I stopped doing when I started transition. I stopped them and forgot they even existed. But...I want to do them again. I miss going to random places and just exploring, I miss spending two days in a row at the beach just because it’s so peaceful...I miss taking a road trip on a complete whim. As much as I liked staying home all the time, I feel like I’m missing out on so many things by shutting that door to the outside world. I feel like I’ve wasted my life, and just told myself that I didn’t want these things because that’s not who I am.
This is becoming a new arc in my life, an arc where I want to do all the things I can now while I still can...so I’m not that elderly person who dreams they could have done the same when they were young. Unfortunately, this arc doesn’t come without consequences...
I...I broke up with Miss Tesla. I won’t get into the details, for once this is a situation not deserving to have its internal details on a public format. I’ll just say that as time was going on, I felt I was growing away from her, and with it, our overall compatibility was diminishing.
For as much as I love Miss Tesla to death and would do anything for her, I also don’t think our relationship could have been sustainable forever...I’m deeply sorry for the breakup and even as I write this, I regret everything I’ve done in my life and hate myself for what I’ve done. I still don’t see myself as a good person. I hope my time in therapy wasn’t wasted and I’m back to being permanently depressed, but time will tell.
Miss Tesla and I had a conversation in the empty apartment that in a lot of ways symbolizes our relationship. That empty space once meant the next great step forward together, and now it’s a reminder of what it once was, and perhaps where it could have been.
I learned something new about Miss Tesla there, something that had I known in full before could have changed the course of the relationship. It also perhaps highlighted why our relationship failed. Even with the knowhow of this, I doubt I would be the correct person to lead her into the future.
Through this, I also learned more about myself. I still look at everything through rosy shades. I always look at the bright side of every situation, I am often a blind optimist. While this attitude towards the world lends me some of my amazing abilities and my charisma, it has a dark side effect.
I cannot tell when someone is hurting me until it’s too late. And even then, I do not blame them, I always blame myself. Being with Miss Tesla allowed me to take off those shades to see a few abusive relationships in my life. However, I still haven’t learned a thing. I still see the world with rosy shades. In a relationship, this means I don’t know when something is bad for me until I get a slap to the face. Miss Tesla didn’t help this. Being with her allowed me to ignore this issue, to become complacent. When faced with a cold reality I knew I could just cuddle up to her and forget it. My world revolved around her. I also lied to her a lot, I never wanted to deliver bad news to her, so I sometimes skewed the truth so she wouldn’t have to worry. I deeply regret this. The final 6 months or so of our relationship was supported on a bed of lies...
I think the break will be good for us overall assuming I can recover from my current depression. I...I kinda hate myself and dread living each day for the things I’ve done. I still don’t think I’m deserving of happiness...Had I just not did the things I’ve done I’d still be at least minimally happy.
I’m a single woman for the first time ever, I need to fix my problems instead of trying to fix myself while attached to someone else. She appears to have a plan for herself as well, a plan I desperately hope takes her into a better future.
I only hope she is able to fill the hole I left behind, because she truly was an awesome girlfriend.....
So, I closed one door in my life and am now opening another. I spent the entirety of my transition so far in a relationship, now it’s over. I will be a single woman, something I’ve never been before. My heart still hurts. I’m trying not to slide away into a deep depression, but a part of me is ready to see what single life is like. I’m currently at my mum’s house for the next 1 or 2 weeks. The moving out process completely got bungled. I wasn’t supposed to move out all in one day but that’s how it happened...something else I deeply regret.
What does the future have in store for me? I’m not sure...I’m not sure I care right now either. I’m living life an hour at a time, I cannot think about the future...or the past.
What’s next for me? I guess I’ll have to see...