I’m going to break my cycle of bi-monthly updates for a moment and return to the old format. This update is less about me and more about a bond I destroyed with one email on a late June morning.
I’ll still have some bits about life and transition, but I want this to be more of closure for someone I hurt.
Also, I’m not sure if this is Oppo material so it’ll be on CigarLounge unless someone says otherwise!
Tucker towed a trailer again. I think this is about to become a regular thing for me! I cannot describe how fun it is to tow a trailer with a smart. I have no idea why Americans are so afraid to tow more than 600 pounds, these cars can easily do double without breaking a sweat. My fuel economy towing a trailer only goes down to 35mpg too. It would be better without all the stop & go that comes with in town driving.
As for his offroad conversion, so long as the monies balancing works out in my favour, I will get the Electric Drive suspension on Friday. I decided to do the ED suspension first for a couple reasons. The first reason is because the beefier suspension will make towing things even easier. The second is that the ED suspension gives the car a 2-3 inch lift for less money than an official spacer lift kit.
I’ve stalled on weight loss. I hit 45 pounds lost, gained 5 pounds, then got stuck there ever since the breakup. I finally found my weight loss logs, apparently my starting weight was actually 247 pounds. Being up there is what shocked me to become better, to try to be healthy.
With all the stresses going through my mind I’m finding it hard to get back into my routine. I hope this week turns that around. At least I still love my body, which is what is most important. Amazingly, I’m still pretty confident through all of this, I’m not afraid to show it either! For the first time ever, I was able to go to my favourite place in the world and not be embarrassed or ashamed to be me.
I’m fully back into my phone flipping hobby. I recently had one of my most intriguing flips. I bought a brand new iPhone SE from Straight Talk for $50, opened the box, used it for a couple days, then sold it for waaaaaaaaaay more than I paid for it. I then bought a mint iPhone 6 (build date late 2016 too) for $100 and pocketed the difference in profit.
This iPhone might become my daily driver because it’s in so good condition. My next project with be restoring my Honor 5X to mint condition then hardware modding another iPhone.
Though, before I dive deep into that I may get the lift installed on Tucker.
I attempted suicide on July 16th.
Living with my parents rips me apart. I thought I could easily survive two weeks with them, I was wrong. On the day of Kenosha Pride I tried to take my own life. It’s not something I’m proud about and this time haunts me more than other times. The scariest part about this attempt is that I knew exactly how to succeed. The only thing that held me back was my own uncontrollable crying. For once, I couldn’t find a single positive thing to pull me out of a suicide attempt.
I felt so defeated and so embarrassed. This was my first suicide attempt since coming out. I was so ashamed that I allowed myself to get to that point of depression. I couldn’t even tell anyone...I just called Miss Tesla then cried myself to sleep while she tried (successfully) to keep me from hurting myself.
My best friend found out soon after. I spent the night with her, where she helped make me feel loved, wanted, and not deserving to be wiped off this planet. I don’t know what I’d do without this girl. I wish I could have stayed even longer. I felt safe..
Since then, I’m doing much better. I’m back to being happy, I’m back to being optimistic, I’m even doing hobbies I haven’t done since 2015. However, there are some issues that continue to linger. I still don’t love myself, which is something I will have to work on as time moves forward. I think much of this is because I still love Miss Tesla and hate what’s happened to her. I still cannot forgive myself and I fear I never will. I hate who I’ve become, even I’m happy.
Interestingly enough, I learned a lot about myself through this attempt. I am loved, people do care about me. If I died it would cause an incredible ripple that would damage the lives of so many.
A lot of people say suicide is selfish, but that isn’t true. When I wanted to kill myself, yes I wanted to kill myself to end the pain I was going through. However, I mainly wanted to absolve others and the world of the pain I had burdened upon them. I felt everyone would be better off and happier without me. It’s self-defeating and for the most part entirely illogical, but a lot of the times, people try to commit suicide for the sake of the perceived pain of others, not just themselves.
If you’re in that place, please please please seek help. Don’t listen to the words in your mind, the world would not be better off without you; you are not a burden. ♥
I can’t describe to you how it finally feels to know that I’m not alone, that I’m not actually the monster that I think others think me to be. People actually care about me. People actually care that I make it home at night.
Likewise, I learned that I somehow keep landing on my feet. Bad things happen to me often, but I have the uncanny ability to turn that bad into good. This segues into my next section...
Amazingly, despite the living with my parents’ situation devolving into a state that contributed to my self-harm, I again ended up in a better situation. The majority of the renovations on their rental property had concluded, with the bank proposing a monthly “rent” for potential tenants. That rent was right where it needed to be for Miss Dodge and I, so I elected to take the property from my parents early and just live there myself.
Here are some photos of the house’s interior, I hope to live here for years and years, I love it so much!
The “Pink Palace”
And my favourite bits of my room:
Surprisingly, they were relieved to have the property out of their hands. The house has been stuck in remodeling hell for the past year so I can understand that. It’s a win win for everyone and I adore the house!
My family’s back to treating me with respect. Though right now I’m being hesitant. I know what happens when I get too close. Hopefully this stint last much longer. Either way I’ll be protecting myself. :)
The countdown timer hit zero on what used to be our apartment. My naturally optimistic self thought she’d find a place to go in the time since the breakup in June. A friend, family, an acquaintance...somebody to live with while she picked up the pieces.
When I walked through the door my heart broke, I learned that she had nowhere to go and hadn’t eaten in seven days. The DHS office - while only a half mile away - may as well been across the country. And even if she did get to the DHS office, there wasn’t any guarantee that she could get food stamps. As far as the state’s concerned, she’s a ghost. Though, I think it was still worth a try; but I can understand her not going..
The keys had to be returned to the office by midnight (at the time, about 6 hours) and the apartment itself was a mess. I also saw that she had mountains of stuff that had to be moved somewhere. This was bad. I had $39 to my name until payday ($35 after I purchased dinner...my fridge was depressingly empty). I had already returned the U-Haul trailer by this time, so moving all of her stuff to my house would have required so many trips that I would break myself doing it.
I decided the problem of what to do with her stuff would have to be solved later and I got to cleaning/repairing the apartment. After painting the window sills, trim, front door, and cleaning the walls; I spent over an hour trying to clean the toilet. The sun was going down and I wasn’t even halfway there, I called for backup.
Miss Dodge arrived to help move stuff and clean. She became upset at the at how dirty the apartment was and that we would be cleaning the entire apartment then subsequently keeping all of Miss Tesla’s stuff at the house. She saw it to be an indefinite burden. There was just too much to clean and too many things to bring back. She proceeded to leave to go home.
I called my parents for additional backup, I just couldn’t do this by myself. Miss Dodge decided not to leave and stick around to help. I hoped maybe that my parents would help me save Miss Tesla’s stuff.
Unfortunately, my parents didn’t want to house Miss Tesla’s stuff either. I contacted other friends, they all had the same idea...They all said that I can’t keep burdening myself with trying to take care of a person who cannot take care of themselves in any manner. I tried making the Autism rebuttal, but they replied back with that I can’t help her, it’ll only hurt myself. Regardless, I did manage to save a very large chunk of her things.
The cleaning process became much more stressful after this. Miss Tesla spent most of the time preparing to leave while my family and Miss Dodge chastised her for not helping clean up the mess she for the most part created. This went on for at least a few hours until the final moments when Miss Tesla started cleaning the debris off the kitchen floor.
I returned the keys to the apartment with only 20 minutes to spare. At this time, the lack of energy really started hitting Miss Tesla and she couldn’t really get out. My parents helped her outside, to which she discovered all the things I couldn’t fit into my car...I explained that the others didn’t want to haul anything and that I couldn’t afford to come back. At that point, I gave her one last hug. She laid down onto the ground and waved. I couldn’t sleep well that night at all knowing what had transpired.
I could have taken her in, she could have lived with me. She didn’t have to be homeless, she didn’t have to lose her possessions. I took her home then ripped it away from her. Everyone says that such is her own fault and that having her live with me again puts me back into a bad situation. I still feel responsible though. I hate everything I’ve done. I shouldn’t have even broken up with her. Had I not done this things would have been better for her. She’d have a home, something to look forward to in her day...my desire to be single hurt someone that I loved so much.
Miss Tesla, I don’t know where you are or even if you’re okay, I just want you to know that I’m sorry, for everything. I really really sincerely hope you’re okay. You don’t deserve what happened to you. Miss Dodge also apologizes for the mean things she said to you. Again, you didn’t deserve to have your life ruined and your happiness taken from you by me. That should be my burden, not yours..
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know who I should believe, the words in my head that say I’m a horrible person, or the people in my life who say I can’t keep hurting myself to save someone else. How can I even sleep at night knowing what I did? It seems to me that all dating entails is a promise that one day you’ll break someone’s heart or ruin their life.
And...I guess that concludes this update? I’m not even sure what to say. I’m getting much much better emotionally, but this baggage will sting my heart for a long time. :/